Fertility and Life.

I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16. When they were testing for everything under the sun after I was diagnosed with cancer, they found a lot of other things...

I didn't, at 16, think that it was a big deal at all. It was just one more thing wrong with me.

But now that I'm 25, getting married and starting to think about starting a family, fertility is one of the things keeping me up at night.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual exam - the exam I've neglected for a couple years. And was told that my left ovary was larger than the right. It may not be a problem, but it's problem enough to need an ultrasound.

Most of my life was spent pursuing some sort of academic satisfaction - but the kicker was that there was no satisfaction for me there. I was good at it without trying. I got perfect grades without much effort and was given awards throughout highschool and college. And I couldn't figure out why it wasn't enough.

But now I understand that the only thing I want to do is be a mother. I want to marry my childhood sweetheart and have children. I want to be a mother and wife.

And the thought that we may not have children leaves me reduced to a sobbing idiot. And there's nothing I can do; not until we have the ultrasound results. There there will be meds and diets and exercise... because that's all I can do.

And when we start trying to have children... Only then will we know if I can get pregnant... and we hadn't planned on trying for at least 3-5 years. And I'm not looking forward to not knowing.